The Hardest Try Just Makes You Weaker
by BloodyJ18
Summary: So, yeah, this is basically about Jade trying to move on after the break-up, but somehow being incapable of getting Beck out of her head. And does Beck really have a crush on Tori or was his try to kiss Tori just the desperate will to get over Jade? Sorry, suck at summary. BADE with some Cade and Jori friendship, also possibly a slight Tandre and Cabbie.
1. Chapter 1

_**So yeah, this is my first fanfic, so please give it a chance. Also, sorry for any grammar mistakes and so on. I'm not a Native speaker, but I really tried my hardest to make this as good as I would think of it being okay. So, this story is basically about Jade trying to move on after the break-up, but somehow being incapable of getting Beck out of her head. Sorry, suck at summary.**_

* * *

_**Prologue**_

There are different kinds of hate.

Firstly, of course, the one filling you just from the first second on since you've seen this special person and he's mightfully wasting your time..

Secondly, sometimes there are some people you may not have known personally, but then you suddenly get to know them – and hate them.

Thirdly, one weird kind of hatred, knowing someone is different on a special way and you just can't stand this special way unlike everyone else (Yeah, I guess that could also be called _jealousy_, one dirty little word).

And lastly, the worst kind of hatred, when you try to hate someone forcefully, when it is someone you used to love, someone that told you he'd love you forever, someone you've always been unable of to get him out of your head.

When this someone falls in love with someone else, acts like a real jerk to you or just isn't there to be with you anymore, then you may know it's a good way to hate him, even though you just wish to ever feel his breath against your neck, his strong arms wrapping around your waist, his soft lips kissing yours gently again.

Yeah, then it's a good idea to hate him and to pretend like you don't care.

When it's someone you truly love-_d_.

Because maybe this is the easiest way to let go – just to hate this someone you're secretly still kinda in love with to prevent suffocating on your own sadness.

….._And you hate sympathy_.

I'd honestly wondered how long I'd still be sitting there and watch my worst nightmare come true.

Kind of a stupid thought, since I was aware anyway that I couldn't even move one muscle just a tiny bit. Arms folded over my chest, eyes deeply locked with the computer-screen which just showed it.

I felt like my whole world was just about to crash like a ton of old damaged plastic as I was still starring at that what was happening there right in front of me.

Damn it, I still couldn't believe it. I mean, of course I had seen it coming.

She was everything I was not.

Nice, friendly, totally skinny, and just – perfect.

And I had the only thing she didn't.

Him.

But since she was able getting everything she wanted, I guess she knew this would also just be a matter of time, and indeed it was.

Okay, it wasn't quite the right thing, she hadn't planned on tearing us apart, it was more me – at least that was what I was trying to tell myself just to avoid believing we could've still had a chance.

If we both weren't so stubborn.

So, instead of thinking about how we could get back together, I had just let events pass by – and finally it had happened.

He had fallen in love again, at least this was what was proven there on the fucking computer-screen I was still starring at like frozen.

My eyes widened as I saw them leaning in more intensively (I'd got it, you were totally on about each other, no need to make me join your first bed-time-story).

Brown eyes found brown eyes – so perfect, matching.

Not any cold blue eyes which were trying to read his mind just to finally fail anyway and letting him kiss you passionatley.

I forbid myself to think of that.

I tried to close my eyes, but it didn't work, they just kept on starring at my lovely ex-boyfriend and his new crush continuesly.

I wanted to turn around, I didn't want to see how he was moving on to the next one, how he was getting over me, since I absolutley wasn't over him.

My mind kept saying the same thing.

_"You know what? We're done."_

_"So you're breaking up with me?"_

His voice, still so amazingly calm, his eyes, still starring at me with that stunning effect it had on me. His gaze, so adorable, but neverthless I'd let him go.

_"Yeah, I am."_

Too proud to deny your true will, too scared of losing him to prevent to take a last look at him, your heart, too broken to admit what you were feeling: senseless jealousy.

_Then _it was senseless.

_"You're being ridiculous."_

_"Why do you care? I'm not your girlfriend anymore."_

Oh, how those words had hurt to say them, but it was true and I didn't wanna be weak, even though I was.

Maybe my only weakness which I just had let go.

That was gone, we had made up, we had kissed – and we had broken up.

I don't know if the reason why I just couldn't bring myself to turn my head away was just to see his reaction, if she was a lot like me or if she was just a lot better, I was expecting him to blush in amazement.

But of course he did not, he never did, how could've I thought so?

I was ready to turn away my head, to break down crying, to hit the computer, when I saw her shaking her head.

"No.", she said.

No? Why no? That's stupid, every girl would do everything now to be in her situation and she just says no? That's not the way it is supposed to be.

I looked up in disbelief and watched both of them pulling away a bit.

I couldn't help but feel a slight bit of satisfaction going through my body.

Ha, no, that was a word, I had always loved it.

"Why can't I kiss you?", he suddenly asked.

Was he being serious?

Why? Because I hated him to be.., because she wanted to get him more slowly, she surely wanted him, no question, everyone wanted him unlike me.

He'd been the only one ever wanting me and I knew I'd keep that in mind – forever?

So why couldn't he kiss her?

Well, simple question, because it wasn't right, because I didn't want him to (fucking jealousy, I should so work on this).

She sighed.

"Because of Jade."

I starred at the screen feeling guilty for the first time in my life.

Then I finally closed my eyes.

* * *

_**So, this was the prologue. Hope you liked it so far and of course reviews make me happy. Oh, and did you hear about Victorious not returning for a season four? I sewar, I actually died inside. I still wanna kill someone now. Well ,thanks for making me watch spongebob and so on for the rest of my life. Never mind! Let's just hope we'll get another 15 good episodes to be happy with and at least our Bade will be reunited. So, anyways: Please give me reviews!**_

_**Thanks**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**So, yeah, here is the 1st real chapter, hope you enjoy it..**_

* * *

_**1st chapter: **_

_**In which I become a bigger liar than I ever was before and in which I find some weird jerk frankly freaking me out**_

"Hey, Jadey!", my best friend, annoying red-head Cat Valentine, squeaked as she found me straight heading towards an unspotted place I didn't even know yet.

Anyways: It wasn't that hard to tell judging by my facial expression that I know would like to spend some time on my own and surely everybody would've noticed this – everyone but Cat.

I sighed, but then just decided to ignore her empathically and with that I passed her by, not nearly as much bored as I tried to pretend.

I was absolutley tired. I'd spent the whole last night working on my acting-project while tolerating the never-ending screaming of my father and hiss almost-ex-wife downstairs in the kitchen while now and then always nodding pleased as soon as I heard another thing getting broken accompanied by my little brother's terrible crying which echoed through the whole house like an army of thousands of restless ghost.

Too bad this wasn't true, maybe they would've pissed my fucking family off.

About half a year ago I'd always been able to flee from this, but not anymore.

Not that we were broken up now.

I still couldn't believe that it now was almost half a year ago without that my heart had recovered or I only had hoped one second of the whole fucking time I was hanging out with him and the rest of our gang that my love for him was fading away, just like my life had been.

So, as the result of the last night I was now trying to fight those terrible headaches which covered my forehead like a stone-filled rubbish-bag.

I took a while for me to realize that Cat was following me, but as I found out I immediately stopped and turned around to face her with an angry look on my face.

"_Whattt_?", I snapped, not nearly as hard as I'd originally had planned to.

Cat just looked at me with those big, bright, innocent brown eyes.

The only kind of eyes that could kinda hypnotize me.

Damn it, I even couldn't stop thinking of him now, when I was totally exasperated and definitley shouldn't feel anything for him but pure hatred.

Usually my I-hate-everything-attitude worked quite well, only not when it came to this two special people.

"Did you hear about Robbie's play?", she asked, seeming nor or less thrilled about me talking to her, even though I hadn't said more than 'what?'

I frowned

"Robbie's doing a play?", I asked confused.

I'd always thought that Robbie, one weird boy with afro-head and definitley too big glasses and most important a ventriquolist with an annoying puppet, actually wasn't that much into acting as I or for example Beck – my stomach once turned around a bit and I hated myself for that – were.

Cat simply nodded.

"Yes, and he said he'd want me to play the lead role. Isn't this great?"

I shrugged emotionlessly.

"Sure.", I replied and then wanted to turn around, but was hold back by Cat who grabbed my wrinkle.

"What?", I snapped once again.

"Don't you wanna audition for it too, Jadey?"

"What for? I thought Robbie's already given you the part. Besides-", I continued, as I already saw Cat wanting to protest. "I don't even know that play, nor that I have read it. So: No!", I finished coolly.

Cat looked a bit taken aback while she turned around sadly and mumbled one of her usual "Phoey"s.

I followed her way gazing at her back and then turned around to go to my locker decorated wirh my beloved scissors.

I smiled as I saw them. At least something left that I still loved. Even though they weren't able to love me back, but this was something different.

I guess I just couldn't expect them to, nor had they ever loved me or at least pretended to. I grabbed my books quickly, then shut it close and started to make my way to Sikowitz's class where Cat, Robbie and all those others were already waiting to be let in.

I didn't even risk one glance at Beck, I was too damn scared of losing my pride and moreover I was being much too stubborn for this, daring to get to be around him again.

I decided to walk over to Cat and Robbie.

"Anyways: Cecilyn would so suit you, Cat.", I heard Robbie say to her.

I had to fight the urge to punch him. I couldn't stand this oh-you-are-Cat-my-best-friend-thingy anymore while he obviously so had a crush on Cat.

Not that she did notice, she was much too shallow.

I mean, I love her, but there was no way to deny that she wasn't the deepest when it came to all kind of subjects.

I sat down on the ground as I opened my notebook and went on my theSlap-page.

There weren't any news for me.

Just two people I had never heard of that wanted to be my friends.

I quickly declined them.

"No and bye!", I mumbled as I then turned off my computer again and looked up to Robbie and Cat again still obviously discussing about Robbie's whatever-play.

"Could you help me later to find some people that can audition for my play. Nobody's gonna come on my request for sure.", Robbie asked her now and I smirked slightly.

At least something went the way it should. Robbie got ignored and humiliated by his own puppet, as Rex then already started to talk.

"Oh, what a wonder you at least still get ignored and nothing worse.", Rex joked.

Cat just giggled and nodded towards Robbie implying she was going to help him.

"Hey, what about Jadey?", she then suddenly asked and leaned down to me.

I rolled my eyes.

"No, Cat. I already told you I wouldn't act in Robbie's stupid play!", I hissed.

"Come on, Jade. That'll be fun.", now also Robbie started to convince me.

"I said no. And when I say no, I mean no!", I screamed suddenly standing up and pointing a pair of my scissors I'd put in my jeans-pocket at them causing both of them to jump back while evryone around us had become insanely quiet.

I glared at every single one of them before letting my scissors slide into my pocket again.

"Get the fuck back to talking.", I swore.

Finally Sikowitz arrived, untypically late, and we all stumbled into his class. I sat dwon on my favorite chair right next to Cat's who – oh wonder! – was still talking to Robbie.

"So, okay!", Sikowitz rasped and faltered then briefly before pulling out a coconut from his bag and starting to drink its milk.

Involuntarily I wondered if he already was getting visions, but seriously I didn't care.

I slightly turned my head around just to see Tori sitting next to Beck and Andre shooting them an angry glance.

Since the whole kissy-thing the two of them had become much closer than before and even though Tori had rejected him kissing her it still felt like she literally rammed a dozens of kinves right into my chest, enjoying every minute of it.

Much to my and Andre's dismay.

He'd always been Tori's best friend and now suddenly she'd replaced him with Beck.

"Who wants to do another improv-scene?" Sikowitz clapped and everybody stayed quiet.

"You don't really have a choice.", he said before clapping once more. "Today I wanna practise something emotional with you. Literally…-" He faltered and I frowned.

What did he mean by 'emotional'?

"Could we have more details?", I heard Tori's annoying voice coming from behind me.

I automatically turned around and shot her an obnonxious glare with which Tori immediately turned pale.

I smiled pleased, job done!

Sikowitz grinned.

"I'm gonna choose four students and those are gonna have to act one special emotion in kind every sentence they say. But the sentence should also fit their charcter they play. If you break charcter you're out. Got it?"

Everyone except for Cat nodded.

"Robbie, please explain it to her.", Sikowitz almost begged before turning around to us again.

"So, who wants to join my little group?", he asked, obviously still thrilled of his phanomenal idea.

Immediately Tori raised her hand and I rolled my eyes.

Sikowitz smiled.

"Fine. Toro, you get to choose three more students."

"Okay, I'll take…", Tori said ignoring Sikowitz calling her Toro once again. "Andre.."

Andre, apparently more than reliefed that he was the first to be picked by her, immediately got up and walked to the stage.

Tori briefly smiled at him.

"Beck."

The boy who had taken my heart with him stood up and followed Andre onto the stage, like always stroking his black hair.

I resisted the sudden urge to walk over to him and simply run my fingers through his georgeous hair.

"And…", Tori hesitated, her gaze wandering over evrey single human being in this room, even Sikowitz. "And Jade.", she finally said, smiling slightly.

I didn't say anything, as I walked up to the two boys, Tori following me.

"So, alright. Any suggestions for them to take which emotion?" Sikowitz asked casually and turned his face back to the rest of the class sittiing there with emotionless masecerades.

Well, everyone but Cat seemed emotionless.

A blonde girl which name was I think Jessie raised her arm.

"Yes?", Sikowitz asked.

"I've got one for Beck.", she said and I suddenly felt the urgent need to stab her with something very painful.

That slut was surely gonna do …

"Romantic.", she said and I couldn't help but imagine how akwardly Beck would be trying to act a romantic person.

Anyway: Yeah, definitley a slut.

Sikowitz, however, shook his head – much to Beck's relief.

"I don't think that's any remarkable emotion that you can use in almost every situation.", he explained and _slut Jessie _looked to the ground, clearly disappointed.

"Any other suggestions?", he demanded.

Sevreal other girls' hands were raised.

"Well, I got a good one.", I spoke and suddenly everything turned quiet.

I turned and looked up to Beck who lifted an eyebrow sceptically.

"Well, then let's hear!", he said dryly.

"What about _emotionless_?"; I asked, sounding as innocent as I was capable of.

Beck moaned and then folded his arms over his chect.

"What about _jealous _for you?", he replied.

Immediately I could feel the tears standing in my eyes.

"What about _jerky _for you?", I shot back, determined to ignore the annoying tears in my eyes.

"Yeah, what about a complete _I-don't-care-attitude_?"

"Maybe. At least I have an attitude!"

"Apparently. Congrats.", he whizzed bitterly.

Meanwhile everyone was starring at us, Tori trying to interrupt us.

"Hey, guys. Maybe you should.."

"Shut up!", we both yelled at the same time, me feeling a slight bit of satisfaction going through my body since he had just rejected Tori Vega.

Indeed he seemed to completley forget everything around us.

"Just because we broke up, doesn't mean I'm emotionless.", he argued.

"Yes, it does. And just for you to keep it in mind: _You _broke up with _me_, pretty boy.", I fought back.

"I didn't mean to. Jade, really. Do we have to have that conversation again?"

I couldn't believe it.

Again? What did he mean by again?

"Are you kidding me? We almost never speak. When did we ever talk abou the break-up?", I asked, possibly a bit too hurt to deny the feeling with which I was enjoying this.

Even though I hated myself for that.

He didn't respond to that, just stood there wearing a big frown on his face.

And still I didn't want anything but kiss him right now.

"You know what? Forget about it.", I mumbled, but he shook his head.

"No.", he said.

"No?"

"No!"

Oh, okay. No, well, I liked no in this case.

"Err, guys. We wanna do the improv-sc…", Tori started once again, but directly stopped as I shot her a death-glare.

"Fuck off, Vega!", I screamed and she jumped back causing myself to nod satisfied.

Beck simply rolled his eyes, however.

"You know, maybe it's a good thing we broke up…", he started.

And that did it. Those small little words that broke my heart eventually, leaving it behind shattered in a million pieces.

One second no-one said a word, including me.

I just needed some time to realize my heart had just been broken when I though it was already completely destroyed.

Besides I had to fight with the fact he was telling me this right in front of the whole class, destroying my pride and pictorally leaving my lying on the ground.

I flipped back a black strand of hair and glance at him completley expressionless while I was desperatley gasping for air, needing to realize what he had just said.

I looked down at my black combat-boot, wandering up over my jeans to my black t-shirt.

_He doesn't love you anymore, he kinda hates you_, an annoying little voice finally explained to me.

And eventually I could move again.

In one second I looked at him, maybe I even saw a touch of rgret reflecting in his brown eyes, but that didn't matter.

The only thing I could feel now was my bleeding heart, slowly stopping beating.

And then I suddenly couldn't stand this anymore.

I pulled out my scissors, took another few steps to him and slapped him right into the face.

Not with the scissors, I couldn't hurt him more than that, even if I wanted to.

But with my other free hand, my strong right hand.

I knew he was stronger than me, but I also new that he hated violence and he'd never hurt me physically, no matter how much he hated me.

I didn't even take the time to see his reaction, when I turned around and stormed off the stage heading to the back door, glaring at everyone who was trying to stop me, sometimes even threatening him with my scissors.

I heard Tori, Cat and even Beck scream after me, telling me to come back, but I didn't care – at least not about the first two ones.

As I had already reached the door, I turned around once again looking at a completley confused and somewhat – hurt?; my broken heart beat a little higher as I thought of this, but I didn't allow myself to go any further than this – Beck.

"Just so you know, Oliver. I hate you.", I snapped.

_Liar_!, I thought at the same time.

"Jade-", he started, sounding kinda appalled, as he slowly stepped off the stage and headed right towards me.

I hold my scissors up high, knwoing this wouldn't really help me, since he totally wasn't scared of me.

"Jade-", he said once again, but I just shook my head causing my long, black hair wafting around my head like fire – black fire.

I liked that idea.

"Fuck off, Oliver.", I yelled, as he had almost almost reached me and he immediately stopped. "Just fuck off, you son of a bitch.", I then whispered again – this time more quietly than before, so that it was barely audible for anyone but him.

And with that I unfalteringly opened the door, stepped out in the hallway and shut it close behind me with such a dtermined grip that I was sure to hear a few students gasp in horror.

Then I turned sround and made my way out of this fucking building, avoiding everyone's gaze.

Nobody was ever gonna see Jade West cry, especially not over a boy or more especially over Beck Oliver!

First I didn't really know where to go now. Sure, there were a million ideas that flashed through my mind, but honestly every single one of them was worse than one other.

And turning back to class and looking in my ex's eyes being oh-so-relieved that we'd finally broken up and he could make a move on Tori or any other less complicated girl which kinda included everyone but me and Vega's fucking sister was definitley the worst of all.

She'd already started to ask him out and even though I knew he'd rejected her every time I couldn't help but hate her for trying to convince him making a move on her after shamelessly trying to support our break-up in front of all of _Beck's _friends.

No, turning back to class was definitley the worst of all ideas that had ever come into my mind. This was also one of the few situations where I regretted it never having saved my bff-friendship with Cat I once had used to have. After me and Beck had become a couple I somehow had started to ignore her, being meaner to her than I had been before and simply hadn't really cared about us being us anymore. So, this was another thing Vega had taken from me beside all those lead-roles briefly after she'd attented Hollywood-Arts and making my life a living hell.

But anyway: What should've I told Cat?

_Remember I once told I'm completley over Beck and really don't care who or what kind of person he's dating now? Well, y'know, actually I lied. He still means the world to me and do you know this feeling when you're feeling like you're burning just because someone you love more than anything said something that, uh, y'know, somehow hurts you? Well, that's the exact way I feel about him. _

Definitley not and Cat most likely wouldn't understand what Id try to tell her, anyway. All she'd do would be simply giggling her stupidly giggly laughing and drive me insane until I couldn't stand it anymore and finally turn home eithout having reached anything.

I also didn't dare to turn to Vega's out of fear Beck could be there and already be making out with her, even though I highly doubted it, but you never know what some special persons hide from you, right? Eventually they don't always have their web-cams turned on.

And I knew that.

Besides there were still about six lessons left that Tori had to stand today – and she probably wouldn't skip class, not in a million years. (Yeah, I knew her schedule, sue me!)

So, there was nothing left for me than to turn back home or just take a little walk around Los Angeles. I decided for the latter and slowly stepped out of Hollywood-Arts into the glimming sunlight of Hollywood. I truly hated this day.

First your ex you're still secretly in love with turns out to even be a bigger jerk than you actually thought he would be and then the suns smiles at you as soon as you try to flee from everything else, almost as if it laughs at you.

I groaned in horror and took another step deciding to simply ignore the irony that lay in those words. I walked for about half an hour until I'd finally reached what I'd been looking for the whole time.

My favorite coffe shop _'Holly's Hollywood-café.'_

I must admit: I really hated that name, it sounded so happy and Jade West didn't do happy things, but anyways: At least I was gonna get some of my favorite coffee, even though there was absolutley nothing that'd be able to save the day.

I entered the coffee-shop, not withough throwing another angry glance at the big yellow sign that hung over the entrance, so bright that it almost seemed to shout at everyone around.

I shrugged before determined heading towards a tall, raven-haired woman standing behind the small counter which kinda semmed to include the obviously daily irony I'd lately had to find all over again.

I wasn't an ironic girl, no, I was much more of that, I was sarcastic.

The woman gave me a wide fake-smile before asking with an –over-high-pitched girly-voice.

"What do you want, Sweetie?"

I sceptically furrowed an eyebrow and quickly shot her a death-glance before snapping: "Coffee with two sugars?"

I was annoyed by myself making my order rather seem like a question than my usual command-like language.

Girly-girl behind the counter simply smiled as if she hadn't noticed anything and stubbornly went on to ask stupid questions like: "Takeaway?" to which I just nodded accompanied with a simple rolling of my eyes.

Finally she gave up.

"Wait a few minutes! You're soon gonna get your coffe."

"Might be good for you.", I groaned quietly, but loudly enough for her to understand my blunt threatening.

She didn't respond to that – just shot me a fearful glance which was playfully ignored by me.

I waited another three minutes as I got bored and pulled out my cell phone to see if I had got any text messages since being gone.

And, indeed, I had:

_**1 missed call from: Cat**_

I quickly declined her call and went on to look for the five text messaged I'd got.

_**5 new text messages**_

I frowned and looked up the first one that I'd got from – surprise, surprise! – Vega.

From: Miss Annoying Vega

_**To: Jade**_

_**Jade, where R U? And R U ok? We need 2 talk. Skwtz.'s asking 4 U to come back. Pleeeeeeassssseee! :(**_

I frowned and resisted to send a simple message containing the words: _Shut it, Vega, and stop using this dumb smileys. _

But instead I just went to open the second message, again from Miss Annoying Vega (yeah, this had actually costed me about three minutes to find a short and precise name for her, which, however, fitted my emotional annoyance anyway).

So: Here we go again!

_**From: Miss Annoying Vega**_

_**To: Jade**_

_**Jaaaaaaaaadddddeeeee! Pleaz, we need 2 talk now! **_

_**;) ;) ;)**_

_**Come back!**_

Ugh, couldn't she ever let go of this stupid mood-smileys. I honestly couldn't stand them, especially not now when all I really wanted to do was just to bang my head in Mr. Jerk's stupid jerk-car, as he once had suggested.

However, I briefly rolled my eyes and opened the next text fom Cat.

_**From: Cat**_

_**To: Jadey**_

I moaned. Was it really that difficult to get into her stupidly red-dyed hair to stop calling me 'Jadey'? I really, really, really hated this – which brought me to the idea soon to update another of my 'what-I-hate'-videos, just in case I then would still be alive, if I hadn't found that supid car.

_**Jadeeeeeyyy? Wherr r? I miss u. Won't u come back or dontcha like me? My brother 1ce went 2 a girl trying to impress her with cutting his finger tips, but she obvsly. didn't like him. Just like that.**_

_**Pleazzze, comey backy, 'kay?**_

_**Cat**_

I shook my head in disbelief about Cat still telling abour her brother, even when she's starting to worry about people she likes what almost always includes everyone unlike me.

I sighed. The next one was also from Cat.

_**From: Cat**_

_**To: Jadey**_

_**Pleaze, come back. We all miss ya. Doya know why a man should fix his underpants in front of his class. Cuz that's sikowitz doin' now. Didn't even know hes wearing underpants.**_

Iimmediately I closed my eyes trying to expel the disgusting image of Sikowitz fixing his underpants right in front of the class which full of sudden occurred to me.

I tried not to ever think about it again and finally opened the last text message on my phone.

_**From: Cat**_

_**To: Jadey**_

_**Hehe, imma unknown person whichll seek you. Imma uncicorn. Bet uve no idea who im.**_

Yeah, that was Cat. Trying to confuse me but forgetting to shut out her number.

No message from Beck.

I shouldn't have been disappointed and honestly I tried everything to fight the sudden rush of despair vibing through my body and causing myself to gasp for air. Girly-girl who'd obviously suddenly remebered that I still was waiting for my coffe hesitantly turned back with her hand tightly holding _my_ cup of coffee.

"Everything okay?", she asked slowly, akwardly gazing around us.

I nodded harshly.

"Yes, thanks.", I replied bluntly.

She immediately jumped back, her hand still holding onto my coffee.

"Could I please now get my coffee?"I said, my gaze calmly studying her tensed body position.

"And get your money.", I snapped as she already had turned away and was just about to walk away.

She nodded hastily and handed my coffee over to me before taking the few dollars I pressed into her hand and walking away.

I briefly followed her way, then I turned around and stepped out into the sticky Californian air.

Man, I really hated that day.

I tried not to think of the dozens text messages from Cat and Tori but not one from Beck.

It really shouldn't bother me. I mean, we'd broken up about half a year ago, why should I care if he was or wasn't thinking of me?

But then there was still this little part, the smallest, honest part which once had used to be the biggest one, the little part that knew the truth about me caring what he did about our non-existing new-born friendship.

That honest part knew the real reason why I still cared about his doings: Because I was stupid.

Stupidly in love – still – and I honestly had no idea what to do about that, if I'd ever do.

I didn't know anything to do, so I just sat down on one of the few park benchs and started to stare around the area I was sitting in. There were a bunch of people, mostly adults taking a walk with their kids or dogs and enjoying the bright sun shining on the rough, ever-green grass-floor of the park. I didn't care.

Much too soon I'd drunk my coffee and sighing I threw it into the trash-can that stood right next to my bench before pulling out my scissors and slowly boring them into the robust material of my jeans. I wasn't willing to let go of them before they hadn't cut some small, asymmetric holes into them. As I'd also finished this I finally got up letting my scissors slide back into my pocket, turning around and almost bumping into a brown-haired guy playing with a small, evacuated ball.

"Ouch!", I screamed, loud enough for nearly everyone in the park to turn around to me and look at me silently.

The boy in front of me quickly jumped back giving me an innocent look with his big brown eyes.

"I'm sorry.", he murmured, but I ignored it determined.

I must confess: He was pretty attractive.

Tall, with short dark-brown hair and the same-colored eyes, wearing a pair of dark-blue ripped-out-jeans and a simple purple t-shirt. Tori surely would've immediately fallen head over heels for him. But I wasn't Tori Vega and he, well, he wasn't Beck Oliver, so he'd clearly only be a waste of time to talk to.

I sighed and then shot him a quick death-glare before snapping at him once more.

"Watch where you go!"

He looked at me, perhaps amazed, maybe just confused with my _dirty _attitude. However: I didn't care. Then he suddenly smiled at me which definitley freaked me more out than him starring at me in amazement.

"But you were the one who turned around without watching where you go.", he said softly and looked again at me with that kind of a smile as if I was the dumbest thing that had ever happened to him in his whole life – which made me pretty angry.

I wasn't any dumb girl he could talk to just like he found it good, I wasn't Cat, damn it!

So I sceptically rose an eyebrow and hissed:

"Maybe the next time I'll turn around a little bit faster so I hopefully will trample on you before you can jump back."

He didn't respond to that, just stared into my eyes which also kinda freaked me out – he couldn't just stare at me like I was something – something holy.

But anyways I returned his gaze, at least just as intesively.

Suddenly he stopped looking at me and burst out into laughter, almost annoying the shit out of me. What was up with him now?

"What's so funny, Loser?", I asked demanding – trying to hide any curiousity that came with it.

To respond he simply shook his head still giggling uncontrollably.

"You're tough.", he finally concluded his unreasoned outburst.

As he then didn't give any more details, I shrugged.

"Okay."

He nodded exasperated, the tears still standing in his eyes.

"I've never met one girl like you.", he told me causing me almost to blush, but I somehow managed it to keep cool.

"We barely know each other.", I replied, aghast with which self-confidence he said so.

"Yeah, I know."

Okay, this eventually _totally _freaked me out.

"You know you're one special person?", he said.

"Yeah, sure. I've been told so like kinda every second a hundred times. There frankly is no-one that doesn't admire me.", I answered sarcastically rolling my eyes.

Finally he gave up trying to convince me to laugh about a joke I still hadn't got and stretched out his hand.

"I'm Taylor.", he introduced himself.

"I couldn't care less.", was the only thing I brought up to that.

"And what's your name?", he then asked without taking his hand back I definitley wasn't willing to shake.

"I seriously don't care.", I muttered coolly, not knowing if this sounded childish, but I seriously didn't care implying I was just telling the truth.

"Cool name.", he joked.

"Yeah, whatever."

Then we fell back to staying silent once again.

"So, I-seriously-don't-care truly doesn't have a name..?", he tried once again.

I really have no idea why he cared so much about that.

"I see no reason in telling you. And I'd really love to go now and you'd better let me, just in case you don't wanna be stabbed with me scissors.", I said once more pulling my scissors out of my jeans-pocket and pointing them at the spot where his oh-so-great chest was supposed to be.

Tori surely would've fainted by now and Robbie would already be dead.

And indeed, Taylor jumped back and let me pass by, but not without whispering a brief: "Bye then – hopefully.", then chuckling slightly and turning away from me.

I gave him another odd gaze before finally turning back on the sidewalk and making my way through the crowded city to one girl's house. No matter how much I'd loose my pride now, I just needed to see she wasn't lying to me about the only boy that wasn't scared of me. I just needed to see if everything was okay.

* * *

_**So, yeah. What do you think? Love it, hate it? Please tell me what you think!  
**_

_**:)  
**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Okay, guys! So first, I gotta say: Thank you so much for all your great reviews! I'm so glad you all liked my story. Well, this is the second real chapter. I wrote it pretty fast (especially the end), so I'm sorry again for any grammar or spelling mistakes. I'm also sorry that this chapter hasn't got very much Bade in it. That kinda implies Jade thinks of him like all the time, but they don't really talk. I hope you will enjoy it anyway..**_

_**Oh, yeah and: WARNING; this chapter is really weird... ;)  
**_

* * *

_**2nd chapter:**_

_**In which I become myself and about one special 'nightmare'**_

I think I waited at least about thirty minutes until I'd finally managed to convince myself that I needed to do this visit and I finally rang the bell. I was just hoping that nothing of those terrible things that might happen I'd thought of would now be coming true. I really just needed to make sure that everything was the way it was supposed to be. My thoughts suddenly were interrupted by Tori opening the door and staring at me as if she'd got some undefined visions.

"Jade?", she finally handled to say and swallowed a bit.

I was just about to come in, as she pushed me back a slight bit which almost caused me to think that _he _was there and she didn't want me to see them together.

Yeah, I was just about to start screaming, when Tori said, nervously flipping her hair like she always did:

"I just need to make sure you haven't got any scissors with you."

I shrugged.

"Make sure whatever you want, Vega."; I said and pulled out my scissors throwing them at her and she gratefully grabbed them to put them on the windowsill before going by side to let me come inside.

I sighed before pointing to my scissors and saying: "Don't take that for granted, Vega!"

Then I stepped inside.

It was unusually quiet inside as she seemed to be the only of her family that was at home, but at the table sat another never-seen, blonde-haired, bitch-alike girl looking up from her notes as I stepped inside of the room and stared at her, hesitantly waving towards me.

"Hello, Jade.", she said and smiled widely.

I rapidly turned around to Tori throwing a questioning look at her.

Tori briefly didn't seem to realize what I wanted to know, but then she obviously was enlightened by the girl's sudden loud giggling.

"Oh, right.", she said smiling at me with her innocent chocolate-eyes. "This is Wendy. She's in my English class and we're working on a project together."

Wendy waved at me once again before finishing: "Well, we've been for quite a long time. But we decided to do the rest tomorrow."

I nodded slightly sighing. I already wanted to turn around, but Tori held me back.

"Just stay a bit, Jade. Just like Wendy said we already finished what we wanted to do today, so it's okay." She gave me a pleading look which honestly confused me.

"Urr, okay.", I gulped but let my bag slide down on the Vegas' red couch where once my worst nightmare almost had become true.

I tried to expel that thought from my mind and turned around to see Vega discussing with that Wendy-slut about something.

"Why are you reading a teen-magazine now? You were supposed to look for another website.", Tori whizzed.

She obviously even liked me better than Wendy – I guess that should overwhelm me now, but - whatever.

Wendy shrugged as response to that.

"Sorry, but I got distracted by this new test: Rate your crush.", Wendy muttered an unconvincing apology to which Tori only rolled her eyes.

Even I had to smirk about that. That Wendy-girl definitley belonged to that kind of girls I hated.

Blonde, tan, stupid, naive and shallow in a non-Cat kind of way.

"Whatever."; Tori now said, clearly annoyed and let the magazine slide on the ground, followed by Wendy's appalled gasping and grabbing for it to catch it before falling to the ground – but in vain.

And I couldn't help but feel a slight vibe of glee going through my body to see that slut's annoying grin suddenly vanishing, as if somebody had switched it off.

Tori sighed.

"Let's just get this finished, okay?", Tori finally snorted and Wendy nodded willingly.

Tori turned around to me, giving me an apologetical look.

"We just need to print a few things.", she said and I shrugged.

"Sure. I'm not gonna die without you around, Vega.", I shot and the two of them disappeared into Tori's father's home-office chatting about a whole lot of unimportant things I really couldn't care less about.

I sighed once more and let my gaze wander over the several things around until I found the teen-magazine still lying on the ground. Since there anyway wasn't anything better to do, I picked it up and slowly started to open its front-page about some weird Hollywood-chich whose voice really was terrible. I mostly didn't like all those teen-stars, I actually was more into rock and punk than all this teenie-chiz.

And all those boys with those squeaky voices sounding like an old, damaged record player, well, the worst of all.

I turned over to the next page with the big heading: Rate your crush!, that test Wendy had just talked about.

Obviously that girl had a crush on two boys and this test should help her to find out which was better for her.

What a gank!

And, yeah, of course she'd already done that stupid test and caused one boy to win clearly. Poor guy, I truly felt sorry for him.

I looked at every question intensively. Nothing special, only those kind of questions which occurred in nearly every teen-magazine.

_Does your crush have a girlfriend?_

_If he's lately been dating someone and they then broke up, does he seem to you as if he's already over her yet?_

_Are you and his former girlfriend being very much alike?_

_Has he ever confessed that he likes you?_

_Does he know your favorite color?_

_Is he older than you are? _(Definitley the dumbest question of all)

_Do you think he might actually be in love with someone else?_

_Did you already go out on a date?_

_Do you seem to be liking the same things?_

_Do you feel like he doesn't deserve you? _(Okay, this question also belonged to the high-dumb-level)

And so on.

I decided that I was getting tired of this test and was just about to throw it back to the ground, when suddenly something caught my eye.

Just right above the first question were two selection fields to fill in your crushes' names – and Wendy had done it.

Martin Beckman, a Ryder-Daniels-alike guy with short light-brown hair and green eyes on who Tori, I think, once used to have a crush and the second guy was – my heart surely briefly stopped beating – Beck Oliver.

First I was pretty positive that I'd got it wrong.

I mean, of course, Beck had always used to be a heartthrob, but, however, I somehow never would've expected him to be picked for such a test, since every girl knew what I was going to do with her, if I found out.

Then I once remembered that I wasn't his girlfriend anymore and that I definitley shouldn't care.

With this sudden knowledge I threw the magazine back to the ground before tramping on it, taking my bag from the couch and storming through the Vegas' front-door where I'd almost bumped into Mr. Vega who threw a confused glanced at me.

"Jade."; he found out.

I snapped a fast "Yeah, I am" before rushing past him on the street, getting into my car and slamming the door close behind me.

Beck was free, he wasn't taken anymore, I couldn't allow myself to freak out like that. And besides: She was just a stupid little girl.

But this magazine proved it, it proved that almost every girl at school would want Beck Oliver as her boyfriend.

And there weren't only dumb, blonde, tan, naive ones.

There were also others, like really smart ones, and Tori.

A girl like Wendy only took a guy as to be her crush which at least half of the other girls attending Hollywood-Arts were in love with too – or at least thought so.

And even though Tori kinda saw me as her friend, I wasn't so sure if she'd not finally give in, if he just begged long enough for her – if she had some competition.

I looked into my rearview mirror, stroked my long, black hair and sighed.

I'd once dyed it black to fit more to Beck, since his hair was black, too.

I'd wanted to show to every girl that he was mine.

But now he wasn't anymore and both of us had moved on, well theoretically.

I was kinda forced to move on by my own stubborness and pride, but I surely wasn't willing to surrender mentally to a guy that was gone, unattainable for me.

No, I wasn't gonna stay sitting here and waiting for a new girl being wrapped up in his arm, just to finally decide to give up, even though I probably should blame myself for never really having done anything to get our realtionship at least back to a normal friendship what it even had once used to be.

I threw another sceptical glance towards the mirror, studying my whole face – my cold blue eyes boring into my own image, frankly giving a damn about it, my long, wavy, black-dyed hair which I was so sick of now full of sudden.

I needed to change, I needed to save that Jadelyn West that I'd once used to be before she had thought lately wearing short tulle skirts and tight tank-tops would finally get her his attention back and stop him from constantly flirting with other girls.

And immediately I had made a decision: I wasn't gonna stay this helpless, little creature I was being lately, dressed all sexy just to get his attention.

Did he even get that?

I honestly didn't know and from now on I wouldn't give a shit about that anymore.

I would be myself, the Jadelyn West I was and I on my own hated, but at least I could finally be myself again, the girl Beck Oliver once had fallen in love with.

I started the engine and pushed the accelerator pedal with my foot, not without risking at least one last glance at Tori's home.

The next time I'd come here I would be myself again – and I would be way scarier than ever before.

I truly couldn't wait for the next day to come, as soon as I'd turned back from the hairdresser. No-one of my family was at home and I was pretty thankful for that, so I at least wouldn't have to answer any playless, rude questions of my father's wife or my annoying little brother. Involuntarily I wondered where he was staying right now, not that I cared a lot. But my 'parents' I could definitley tell by the yet unpacked envelope lying on the big, wooden kitchen-table probably were visiting a divorce judge.

Which implied: Bye-bye, wife number three.

I grinned broadly, still feeling full of joy having become myself again. I quickly grabbed a strawberry that had escaped from the also yet unopened shopping-bag of my lovely stepmother, briefly spilled water over it before pulling my bag closer to my body and making my way upstairs to my black-filled room. I sighed as I'd entered and let my bag fall down to the flat ground while I myself took the place on my bed stretching out my arms and legs and enjoying the feeling of freedom which suddenly overcame me. I think this must be the way every kind of madman feels. Maybe I even felt a bit of demented, but that didn't bother me that moment. As I lay there looking up to the ceiling and slowly feeling this euphoria fading away, I immediately jumped up and turned to my wardrobe opening it determined. The first thing I saw as I opened it was a sea of black: black shirts, black tops, black pants, black skirts, black dresses, black shoes, even my favorite bra was black. But that wasn't something I needed to change, I had always kinda been a black-lover. Briefly the giant extent of black in front of me stunned me, but soon I had collected myself again starting to hunt off every dress, every skirt I had bought after deciding to invent a new Jade West. After that was done there were enough clothings to fill a huge trash-can with. I didn't mind to lose all that stuff I actually hated anyway. I searched for my scissors in my pocket, when I suddenly remembered that I had left them at Vega's windowsill just because she was too afraid of getting hurt.

"Stupid, little Vega.", I swore, as I then jumped up and started searching for the ones that Cat had got me for christmas.

I finally found them in my desk drawer next to an old photo album consisting of blurred photos of a camping trip I'd once taken with Cat.

I ignored the album and shut the drawer close again before I kneeled down in front of all that black stuff.

I frowned, then looked down again, taking my scissors and tearing the first skirt apart that I could grab with my left hand while my other one was holding my scissors.

"Goodbye, walking shit!", I gritted through my teeth while gleefully stabbing another dress I found.

I was just about to kill a short gray skirt, when suddenly the flowery shirt I had worn the day of the Plantinum-Awards caught my eye. Well, that definitley had to be eliminated. Quickly I let go of the dress and grabbed the shirt to cut a big hole right in its middle.

When I was done with destroying almost half of my wardrobe's clothes, I collected every single one of them and threw them in the trash-can where I'd once also put the dress in I'd worn on the day of our break-up. Convinced I then took a few steps back gazing into the mirror.

Yes, that was who I truly was.

My hair was back to its orignial light-brown color and the green streaks I had dyed since I kinda thought it fitted so well to black were also gone.

Instead of that I was now having blue and red streaks, my favorite colors besides black.

Relieved I was done with that I shut the wardrobe's doors close and turned around to where my bed was.

Suddenly I felt really tired.

Deciding to do homework I went over to my music-player and switched it on.

There wasn't much homework to do, since I'd only been at school today for less than an hour.

So I could only do the homework we had got yesterday which implied English (besides acting and singing my favorite subject) and Maths (ugh, I hated that).

So, while listening to 'The Jesus of Suburbia' I tried to understand all those difficult exercises consisting of dozens of numbers and signs. That was probably the main reason for me soon to fall asleep.

I was woken up in the middle of the night by my father's loud screaming, followed by a deafening sound, as if something very thick and old had just been broken. Sleepily I opened my eyes, realizing that I still wore my clothes and hadn't even gone to bed.

"I just can't pay you this much, Alicia!", I heard my dad scream at his wife.

I rolled my eyes, slowly getting up and grabbing my pajama.

As soon as I'd got changed, I tapped over the floor directly to my bed, letting myself rest there.

I'd almost fallen asleep again, when something else broke downstairs accompanied by Alicia's hysterical crying.

"No, leave me be!" Her voice sounded so amazingly shrill, I had always hated her.

How often had I come over to Beck's RV in the middle of the night just to avoid having to hear her screaming at my dad – who, by the way, was a complete asshole too.

Beck then had always calmed me down, kissed me and held me tight with his arms deeply wrapped around my waist while I was laying over his chest staring silently at every detailhis comfortable home. He then had asked me what had happenend and I'd told him without resistance while he'd pulled me to his chest and let my mascara ruin his shirt, at least three of his favorite shirts had been completley destroyed just because I was too weak and selfish to just stay at home. As I'd then freaked out about that, he'd calmed me down and told that it didn't matter to him.

I sighed, as I remembered that.

I missed that calm, friendly, Jade-loving Beck

I knew I couldn't turn back to him now, even if I wanted this so much.

I recognized as my heart beat higher, as I heard loud steps coming up to my room and stopping just directly in front of it.

I truly didn't want anyone to come in now.

I tried to concentrate so desperately on my breathing that I by myself almost believed that I was actually being asleep, when the door suddenly opened and someone which I couldn't recognize through the impenetrable darkness came in. The person (whoever it was) hesitantly stepped closer to my bed before completley stopping and keeping this position for at least about five minutes until the other person followed him, now also standing awkwardly in front of my bed, watching me pretending my spontaneous fake-sleeping.

"Let her sleep, Alicia!", my dad's voice now roared through the never-ending deafness.

I heard Alicia hesitate for about a whole eternity before finally giving in.

"Well good. It's none of her buisness anyway.", she then explained, as if this had been her phenomenal idea.

"Exactly.", my dad replied coolly to that, silently nodding.

_I was being too late for school, as I found out by a simple look at my watch. I quickly got up not even bothering about my clothes. I simply grabbed my favorite black jeans, a black tank-top and an old red shirt I'd once got from Beck. I didn't bother to think about that and just put it on before sliding into my combat-boots and running down the stairs into the kitchen where – surprise, surprise – none but my little brother was sitting at the table eating some whatever. My 'partents' obviously still needed to recover from their last-night-fight._

"_Did you hear it, too?", Jeremy asked and I was honestly wondering what he was talking about until it flashed through my mind._

_The fight – of course. What else could he have meant by that?_

_Anyways I didn't respond to that, I didn't wanna have a conversation with my annoying little monster of a brother, so I just kept quiet, trying to look unimpressed and instead fully concentrating on the green, juicy apple I was forcefully trying to eat._

_I actually kinda hated apples, they were much too sour – even though most people probably wouldn't have believed it, I was much more of a candy-kid than for example Tori. Not as much as Cat, but already pretty close. Only that I didn't scream that around to the outside-world like there was nothing better to do than just to let everyone know what I was usually loving to eat._

_It was all this terrible, unimportant stuff that flashed through my mind, when I found that Jeremy was honestly still staring at me, grinning widely as if he'd just made the best experience of his eternal life._

"_You heard it, I know it.", he whined, and I suddenly would've given all just to beat this little kid up at least once in my life._

"_Don't be so whiny. That doesn't suit you, as you're not already trying your best to get more annoying than you already are.", I hissed, followed by my usual death-glare to which Jeremy replied with a simple shrug and grinning even wider._

"_You must've heard it, since you have no possibility to flee now to your beloved Beck's home, right?", he said, obviously hellish thrilled by his sudden power he had over me._

"_Shut up and better eat your breakfast!", I snapped pointing a pair of scissors at him threateningly._

_He just laughed._

"_Oh yeah. Sweet Becky-Boy. I heard he made a move on your best friend."_

_I closed my eyes, resisting the will to immediately punch him now with all my might._

"_Everyone knows they're a couple. Only you don't, do ya?"_

_This was really annoying, even worse that I was rapidly getting impatient._

"_I'd really advise you now to turn your head back to your plate, if you don't wanna find yourself being lingeringly linked with the floor.", I gritted through my teeth._

"_Do you really not know that you're friend's lying to you like that?", he asked again and I bit on my lower lip in order not to say anything I could be regretting afterwards._

_But of course it didn't work, when it came to shuting my mouth when I really needed to, I was a complete gank._

"_Cat would never do something like that. She knows it's not right kissing your friend's ex.", I muttered and Jeremy grinned triumphantly._

"_I'm not speaking of Cat."_

"_No?", I asked confused causing him to smirk slightly._

"_No, silly. We're speaking of Beck and his new little girlfriend of which he confesses never to have loved anyone as much as her. We're speaking of Tori Vega."_

_Then everything went black._

"Jade? Jaaade?"

The first thing I saw, as I opened my eyes like felt a hundred years later, were a pair of big, blue-green eyes that literally bored into mine, so close that his nose almost touched my lips and then – ugh!

Disgusted I jumped back causing a few people sitting around me looking up from their notes they had just been staring at determined until I'd brought them back into that fucking shit called life.

Some of them even dared to throw an angry glance at me which they were lucky playfully got to be ignored by me.

Yeah, true: They were really lucky, they could've also caught me while I was totally outraged about aynthing which didn't really matter to me at all, but just kinda freaked me out and made myself to feel like being hardly able to breathe, so that I'd then have to pull out my scissors and just let my anger release by killing something – or someone.

I frowned, as I realized that I was still staring into those wide, and strangely familiar boys' eyes. I was pretty sure that it were a boy's eyes I was now still staring at for like a whole eternity without seeing a reason in turning away from him and just letting go of my will to punch him.

"Jade?", the voice which had just awoke me from my satisfying unconsciousness said once again, obviously belonging to the boy whose eyes I had just decided to stare in expressionlessly for like the whole rest of my life.

I didn't respond to that.

"Jade?" Now two weak arms literally started to hug me tightly, urgently wrapping his arms around my body.

And that finally did it.

"Let go off me!"

I quickly jumped back, screaming a bit while trying everything just to get out of his loose grip around my waist – succesfully.

I felt his grip loosen a bit more until his arms weren't more than just another part of his body uselessly folded over his chest, his eyes still studying me and every single part of my body intensively with a slight smirk on his lips. I took another ten steps back before determined turning around to my 'misery' and shooting him a shattering glance, as I suddenly realized who this someone was, standing there unusually calm and chilled in view of the fact that I'd just repeatedly yelled at him accompanied by throwing like dozens of surely non-existing swearword through the area.

My eyes widened, as I saw that freaking afro-nerd, once in a lifetime _without _his annoying puppet, hesitantly opening his mouth just to then overthink the whole situation and conclude that it perhaps would be the best to keep it shut before finally giving up all his awkward tries to start a communication.

"Robbie?", I croaked incredulously, just in order then to burst out into a uncontrolled, way too loud to still sound helathy enough cough to which again everyone including Sikowitz who'd just entered the classroom of course not without his cocnut turned around to me, reamaining silent for the first time today.

Since nobody seemed to see a reason in getting back to talking, there seemed to be nothing else left than just to pull out my scissors and point them at every single human being in Sikowitz' endlessly crowded, small room.

"I'd be careful with glaring at me oddly, or who knows what terrible things might happen to you, when no-one will be there to be around?", I whispered quietly, but threateningly enough to make at least half of all present students becoming pale and rapidly turning their head away to finally get back to reading their books.

I sighed, as I then let my scissors slide back into my pocket before turning around to Robbie again and shooting him an intimidating glare to which he unexpectedly didn't immediately pee in his pants, but simply took a few steps backwards.

"Hey, Jade. So you are awake now.. You know, you kinda seemed to have a nightmare, so I thought that maybe..", he started before faltering and trying so desperately to hide all the fear that swung in his voice that I'd almost felt sorry for him.

But only almost. I was still Jade West after all, the mean, rude, jealous girl, overprotective of the only boy she'd ever loved and more important that had ever loved _her_.

I instinctively rolled my eyes at the thought, as I then quickly remebmered that I definitley wasn't allowed to think anything else of Beck Oliver again than just of his abnormally cruel lack of intelligence as much as his damn shallowness, as for example just not getting into his stupid brain that it was far from okay to flirt with other girls while being in a realtionship or taking other's side in a fight between that one whatever-person and his girlfriend..

Okay, I needed to stop that. I had just decided to forget about Beck Oliver and guess what? The first thing I'd done after deciding that our past relationship hadn't been anything but a waste of time was now ironically to think of how much of a jerk he'd been to no-one but me, even though I'd sworn just a second ago to eventually forget all that shit.

That kinda reminded me of my nightmare – thank god, it was only a nightmare (oh no, wait, well, I sreiously don't care) and of Robbie who still looked at me with that glance as if he'd prefer everything to my presence.

As much as I hated to admit it: It hurt – badly.

I sighed, as I then turned away from him slowly sliding onto my seat again.

"Just forget about it."

Robbie, obviously overwhelmed by the sudden fact still being alive, quickly nodded before then making his way as far as he could away from me.

I again simply rolled my eyes pulling out my scissors and starting to cut several holes into a piece of paper I'd just picked up from the ground.

Suddenly the door swung open and Cat entered, followed by a whole bunch of people including Andre, Wendy and a quite exhausted looking Tori.

I smiled, that hadn't changed, no, I still enjoyed Vega suffering pain, no matter what the cause of it was. I turned away not wanting to only show a slight bit of interest lying in my gaze, as I curiously studied their bodys awkwardly leaning to each other and Vega groaning exasperated. Most likely Cat had told a story of her brother again.

Well, whatever, I shouldn't care, so I turned around completely now, determined to keep my bored expression that lay in my look.

Cat of course was the first to notice my style-change. As soon as she'd entered the room and given up to tell Tori about stories of her brothet she didn't even want to hear anyway, she ran over to me screaming so full of excitement that I almost had to laugh.

"Jadey! You dyed your hair back!", she said, more sang, as she walked over to me doing her usual Cat-like-dance, making her seem more like a princess than like a Highschool-student.

I must say: I sometimes almost envied her for that.

I shrugged my shoulders indifferently before significantly rolling my eyes and holding up my scissors to signal to her just not to come one step closer, since she was already much too near which simply implied that I could feel her presence.

But Cat being Cat just ignored my obvious warning and insetad almost crushed my body so thrilled about my unexpected recovery.

Of course Cat didn't get the real function of that all, I bet no-one did.

However, only one person could really ever be able to find out my true reason for my sudden decision for turning my life completley around again after it'd once already been – even though against my own will.

The only of my so-called _friends _that wasn't in this room today – not yet.

I looked down at my scissors yelling at Cat she should immediately stop to stroke my hair, if she didn't want to find herself being buried on the next cemetery, but of course she didn't listen, possibly she hadn't even heard me, so I just gave up before sceptically furrowing an eyebrow, as I looked up to see Vega and Andre straight heading towards me.

"Hi, Gal!", Andre greeted, but so far kept his poker-face, obviously not wanting to show that he'd totally got my image-change.

I rolled my eyes

"Guys!"

He didn't reply to that and instead threw a curious glance at Tori who actually seemed a bit confused about the whole thing before finally deciding to smile and watching me with an expression full of fascination.

"Jade, you look beautiful.", she told me.

I didn't answer to that, but I don't think she'd really expected that, since she already turned around to all those others, chuckling quietly.

Ugh, so annoying!

"_Whatt_?", I hissed, angry at myself that I'd even let myself to ask that stupid question.

Tori just grinned at my uncomprehending expression, but soon Cat, Andre and even Robbie who had joined us again in the meantime also started to giggle uncontrollably.

"I'm sorry that I don't get your joke. But: What the hell is wrong with you?", I asked once again, slightly offended which caused me not to notice I was already yelling again, of course making everyone turn around to me and throwing questioning glances at me continuesly.

I shot them my death-glare and quickly everyone turned around to prevent being death-glared eventually lying on the floor heplessly.

Tori still chuckled like crazy.

"I just think. Hm…"

"Hmm-what?", I snapped, forcing myself to keep my voice on low.

Cat smiled gleefully before gesturing to Tori to finally tell me what I was urgently wanting to know.

"It's just.. Beck's surely gonna like this, right?", she finally brought out gritted through her teeth.

I looked at her in disbelief absolutley unaware of what to say best now:

_You don't care!, _a voice kindly reminded me before I lost my pride eventually.

"I don't care!", I therefore mechanically repeated.

Tori rose an eyebrow.

"You don't?", she said, barely being able to keep the scepticism in her voice under control.

I shrugged.

"Yes!", I muttered coolly, as suddenly the door opened.

I don't know why I turned around after I'd just protested to care about him, being aware he was the only one still missing. Maybe it was instinct, but most likely it was my simple weakness that was still being there, resting in my shattered heart waiting for the right time to come to get out again, to show its present by spilling coffee over a girl's head that had simply rubbed his shirt or something like that.

I really don't know.

The only thing I knew is that I'd just revealed my secret to Tori, as my head was kinda like the only one turning around, blushing full of excitement to see his reaction to my new-dyed hair and how those words were swinging inside of me making my heart feel like it could finally beat again.

I know that because I briefly turned to risk a last look at Tori's face before finally letting my gaze wander back to the door, reluctantly giving in to my inner will to see his reaction or maybe only just his face.

And there in her cute face with the oh-so-cute cheekbones, like written directly on her forehead, I could read one word.

One word I'd thought so often in the past few minutes, but never let myself confess that.

The word I read in Tori's face was short and I hated it (_**weird..)**_:

_Liar!_

* * *

**_So, this was the second chapter. Sorry, it was really weird, I know. But anyways: tell me what you think! Love it, hate it? Just tell me...  
_**

**_;)  
_**


	4. Chapter 4

_**Okay, you really have every right to hate me. I haven't updated in years and I'm SORRY! So, so, so sorry. And after all this chapter is really short compared to the others. My only excuse is having to deal with school and a couple of arguments with my friends and at home. I'm SO FUCKING SORRY ;((( Please read it anyway! At least this chapter contains much Bade...**_

* * *

_**3rd chapter**_

_**In which I follow my non-perfect forgetting-plan desperatley and in which I find out something I was dying to know**_

His face was – well, I don't really know how to explain that best. It seemed kinda _emotionless_, but not without a slight bit of surprise reflecting there in his big brown eyes and making me almost want to faint. Luckily, I then remembered that I from now on would be trying to avoid everything that somehow had to do with considering him as my only weakness and so I shut my mouth close determined, not without shooting Vega another significant gaze implying just to keep her mouth shut or else terrible things might happen to her. According to her insecure nodding my threatening had been analyzed and would hopefully also be accomplished. Otherwise I could immediately say goodbye to my pride. But probably specatulating about any unknown thoughts of other people's minds wouldn't really help me, si I let go of my weak tries to read her mind and instead kept on looking down on my black jeans, thinking of how much I'd now love to be anywhere else but here around him. Gosh, I could still feel his presence everywhere – no matter how many miles he was away from me or how much he'd be trying to avoid me. I'd always be able to find him, anywhere I went. But that wasn't importabt now, I informed myself, still forcefully trying to stare at my crossbred legs as expressionlessly as I was capable of. Which in this case implied not really much. My whole head was aching, signaling to my brain that _he _wasn't even like ten steps far from me, whispering different, loud words into my ears, so I was absolutley convinced that everyone around me was hearing every little syllable of those, using this to laugh at me and my weird imaginations. I gulped.

Ugh, this definitley needed to stop!

I was just about to look at my ex-boyfriend who I'd decided of about only a few minutes ago to finally forget about him and surely _not _thinking if he'd be liking my new old-Jade-style. I shouldn't care, damn it. I was Jade West after all.

This was most likely when I eventually decided to look up from my legs and instead determined look into his eyes just like everyone else but me was doing. Well, almost everyone. Sikowitz hadn't even noticed that Beck had just bumped into his class without even apologizing. He was still like standing right in the middle of the small, square room drinking his coconut's milks and staring through the area like there absolutley was nothing to worry about. But, well, that was Sikowitz, so that didn't count.

So, as I'd then finally managed it to glare right into his eyes, I suddenly couldn't quite remember my whole plan I'd thought of this morning briefly after I'd woken up from that horrible dream about Beck choosing Vega's ugly sister over me which then had continued in Sikowitz' classroom with Tori being now his new beloved girlfriend. I must say: It's really confusing due to the fact that I still was trying to convince myself I'd be able to move on without that it would hurt me when it'd finally have got that far that Vega was smooching his lips accompanied by him excitedly closing his eyes and kissing her back – more passionatley than he'd ever done with me.

Err, whatever. _None of your business, Jade_, as my mind kindly reminded me.

Beck, obviously feeling a bit uncomfortable with now suddenly having earned the class' whole attention, now opened his mouth to say something.

"I'm sorry I'm late. It's just: There's that stupid cricket again in my RV, y'know, that's already been there once about christmas time, I think..", he murmured a vague apology before dtermined heading right towards our liitle group, Cat cheerfully waving at him.

Yes, I could remember that cricket in his caravan in December, but much more I could remember caring for him, buying coffee and keeping him awake most of the time which had turned out to be harder than I'd actually expected it to, since Beck obviously fell asleep quite easily, as I'd found out.

Yup, this had probably been the first time I'd ever taken care of someone and I still wasn't planning on going on with it.

My mind was suddenly interrupted by Tori's elbow bumping directly into my hip which caused me to swear in pain briefly before glaring at her obnonxiously. Tori simply shrugged and pointed her head towards Beck who was now sitting down next to – oh no, please let it be a dream! – just _me_.

Yeah, welcome to the chair next to me, Beckett Oliver. Where _the _Jadelyn West is sitting near to you and terrifying everyone that looks like at least being still alive.

So, watch what you say.

But what should I say? I knew Beck wasn't scared of me at all, so I should probably just stick to sitting there and enduring his overwhelming presence of which I was much moret han just aware.

I desperatley waited for Sikowitz to start his lesson, but unfortunatley he didn't seem to be at least as thrilled about this ideas as I was. Instead he now was sitting down on the little stage in front of the class, silently opening the newspaper's front page he'd just pulled out from his backpack.

Then there was noting but silence for a long time until Tori couldn't stand it anymore and asked a question.

Normally I would've been more than exasperated by her annoying way of always disturbing people with her never-ending questions, but this time I was honestly grateful for that, even though I'd surely never admitted that.

"Won't we start with class?", Tori so asked.

Sikowitz sighed before answering.

"No, thanks, Toro.", he said, not even risking one glance at the whole, completley confused class there in front of him.

Tori frowned.

"So, why not?", she insisted.

"Why not. Just keep on doing whatever you want to."

And so their conversation was finished – much to my dismay, but apparently only to mine, as the rest then already soon started to chat full of excitement, Robbie probably still begging Cat to help her finding auditioners for his play, even though she'd already reassured her help about a hundred times.

Tori also soon had finished to wonder about Sikowitz's strannge behavior again, as she then already turned around to begin to talk to Andre who seemed to be again more than relieved that she'd chosen him over Beck once again who obviously didn't seem to care a lot. He hung over his chair, hand under his chin, breathing slowly.

I rolled my eyes deciding that I could at least still stick to my normal mean attitude, as I then already kicked him with my foot. He immediately fell down from his chair, murmuring some quite, non-existing swearword while awkwardly trying to stand up again, looking for the one that'd just woken him up so rudely. I fought the urge to let out a small smile and instead started to play with a blue streak of hair that had just escaped from the small tail I'd plaited at the back of my head. But of course I knew denying would be pointless, but it'd be worth a try.

"Jade?", Beck's voice came from behind.

I didn't even try to ignore him. So instead I looked up from my lap, boring my innocent eyes right into his.

"Yeah?", I replied, immediately regretting it.

I still sounded so snappy. Beck must've thought similar things, as he then also let out a small chuckle which again got to be playfully ignored by me. Anyways, he soon had got back to being serious, his brown eyes intensively studying every part of my body. I involuntarily froze.

"Why'd you kick me off of my chair?", he then asked not even saying one word about my new style.

I probably shouldn't be surprised, but anyways it hurt. Seeing in his face that he'd immediately analyzed my new, well, old style, but not caring enough about me to even mention it. Ugh, I truly hated my stupid heart. But I was going to fight it for sure, you'll see.

"I didn't kick you off your chair.", I lied expertly, but nervertheless determined focusing on the floor.

Beck rolled his eyes meaningfully towards the ceiling before sighing and turning his head away.

"Just saying…"

"Just saying _what_?", I asked curiously, secretly cursing myself for having given in to his attempt to start a halfway mature conversation.

He just chuckled once again and I swore inwardly.

"_What_?", I repeated once again, not fully handling to stop sounding like an impatient, little kid.

"You're cute.", he said simling and I – oh gosh! – immediately turned bright red.

"I'm not!", I hissed, but somehow couldn't help but smile a bit (damn nit).

He looked at me sleepily, his eyes nearly closed.

"You should sleep.", I found out and he yawned as a simple response to that.

"Wise observation, Jade.", he murmured, his tongue tasting my name and speaking it slowly.

Oh, I was getting insane, I knew it! I mean, I'd always hated those cheesy books where they'd had to find for like almost every expression any kind of an at least halfway matching metaphor.

"Sleep now!", I demanded and Beck closed his eyes – much to my surprise, but obviously he was really that tired that he wasn't even willing now to disregard my commands – or he's just much less immature than you are, one annoying liitle voice in my head suggested.

I decided to ignore that and instead stared at Beck's soft black hair, still wanting to pull it out like nothing else in this world.

"You were gone.", a voice said softly, almost whipsered.

It took a while for me to realize that I was the one that had been talked to – by Beck who I'd thought of he'd already be sleeping like nothing else in the world mattered, but obviously I'd been wrong.

I sighed.

"You were gone.", Beck repeated mechanically.

I rose an eyebrow, clearly annoyed by his emotionless notice of my absence before bitterly groaning in horror and rolling my eyes, determined not to show how much those word had hurt to hear rhem.

"Why?", he asked now, his eyes still closed.

I looked at him in disbelief.

"Seriously?"

As he then didn't answer to that I'd already decided to just let it all out.

"Well, we might've broken up, but that doesn't completley mean that you're from now on allowed to insult me in front of the whole class.", I snapped, suddenly wondering how loud my voice had got.

But as I looked around all those students still seemed to be chatting about any other kind of unimportant stuff, so I quickly turned around again just to see Beck had finally opened his eyes again.

"I didn't insult you.", he explained calmly, his eyes looking into mine like there was nothing else what mattered to him anymore.

I frowned.

"Of course you did.", I protested, hesitantly pulling my scissors out and starting to cut big holes into that piece of papers I'd picked up from the ground a while ago which now already seemed like a whole eternity to me.

But Beck being Beck just shook his head.

"I just answered and said what it's like now."

"So you really think I'm a jealous, mean bitch?", I fought back, forcefully trying to fight the will just to let go and break down crying.

His reaction was absolutley not what I'd expected it to be.

His neutral and sleepy face suddenly changed into an expression full of shock and hurt.

"What? Jade, I know you were jealous like…", he hesitated, probably unsure if this was quite the right moment to say so, but then finally seemed to decide that it'd be the best just to stay honest. "all the time, but that doesn't mean I think you're mean. Just think of it: How many times did I let you come over to me in the middle of the night just to make sure you were feeling save, how many times did I ask you if your dad really wasn't being more to you than just mean in attempt to protect you from him. I loved you like hell, half to death. Do you really think those feeling went away just like that?"

"Uh, yeah.", I answered truthfully, absolutley overwhelmed by his unexpected, sudden outburst.

Beck looked at me dryly, shaking his head in diesbelief. At least that's it what I think it looked like. It was pretty hard to tell according to the fact that he totally looked like he was just about to fall asleep again.

"Jadelyn West..", he said. "I haven't and I'll most likely never stop caring about you. It's impossible, since you're probably like the most important human being in my life. I promise, even though you're probably now gonna claim you don't really care anyway.", he quickly added with a chuckle, winking at me before dtermined closing his eyes again and letting his head slide on his hands again.

But I didn't say anything like that, I felt much too warm, too dizzy to deny any of his unspoken statement of him knowing I was still at least caring about him, maybe even being in love which I – by the way – totally was, even though I still hadn't fully given up on the plan to forget about him.

I was much too overwhelmed to move. I just kept sitting there, my legs still strangely crossbrend, holding onto my scissors and staring at him with my mouth open trying to believe what I'd just been told.

That I was still important to him, that it still mattered to him what I was feeling.

He'd told me more in those three minutes than in the last few months I'd tried to ignore him so forcefully that it'd almost killed me just to see him hanging out with any other girl than Cat of which I absolutley knew that she din't mean more to him than Robbie or even Andre. Yup, I was absolutley incapable of saying anything and even funnier was that I probably didn't even look intimadating at that moment to other people, that I'd probably not have managed it to scare anyone now, no matter how much that person now would be annoying the shit out of me.

I was just stunned.

"Oh yeah. And by the way…", Beck's voice finally got my attention back and I could eventually move again.

"You really do look beautiful.", he said silently before falling back onto his chair I'd been staring at expressionlessly like the whole by-gone months since our break-up, since he'd preferred to sit next to someone else most of the time.

And once again I couldn't even move one muscle just a tiny bit.

* * *

_**So, I know that this was rather short, but I hope you liked it anyway. I'll try to update soon and make my next chapters much longer. Also, I'm thinking of writing in Beck's POV maybe once. Hmm? How would you like that.**_

_**I decided to do something what I've seen a lots of writers doing. You ask a question and I'll answer it by the time of my next update which I promise will be soon. And of curse if you have any suggestion how that story could go on, please let me know.  
**_

_**I'm also glad, when you tell me that you don't hate me (though you've got every right to do so)  
**_

_**Thanks, please click this little button there, marked with the word 'review' and let me know whatever you wanna say or ask or suggest.  
**_

_**Joy :D  
**_


End file.
